September is suicide prevention and awareness month. Suicide is a difficult topic that deserves some attention. Many of us have probably had friends die by suicide.. Or at least I have. It’s something that remains an issue but one that most of us aren’t comfortable discussing. My cleaning business should be light and fluffy, happy and unserious. I find that writing blog posts becomes incredibly boring, and a chore, when I am posting topics that lack substance. But then I wonder if it’s even appropriate for a blog post, to write about something like suicide. Appropriate or not, it is a human condition, the topic of death, suicide, grief and loss. So I think it fits.
I want to share a story about a person who may not fit the standard clues of someone who is contemplating suicide.
I was dating a guy several years ago who committed suicide. We worked at the same place; I sold travel packages in a small office at the back of a retail store. He was the store manager. When we met, it wasn’t anything magical, we just got along, and he seemed like an even keeled guy.
A few months had passed, and we had become gym buddies. We would play racquetball at the gym, and sometimes we would go on walks. On one of our walks, he told me that his dad and his grandfather hadn’t lived long lives. I didn’t question that, I just listened. Then he confessed that he thought he wouldn’t live a long life, past 35. I thought to myself, ok, that’s kind of strange, But didn’t analyze it too much. We were in our early 30’s at the time.
We began dating after a few months. He invited me on an exciting trip to a resort in Las Vegas. We spent the week eating at fancy restaurants, attending live shows, and shopping. I had a great time, and so did he! I didn’t realize that this may have been planned on his part, as his last “hurrah”. About a week after we came back, he asked if I wanted to go work out at the gym. I was busy and I couldn’t.
I tried to reach him a few days later, but he didn’t answer my phone calls or text messages. I assumed he was upset with me, because he always answered my calls and texts. I figured I would give him some space. Within a few weeks of arriving back from our trip, he was found dead due to an apparent suicide. I wasn’t able to get information beyond that, as his family was understandably upset and needed some privacy.
When this happened I was completely shocked and taken by surprise. I had no idea that he was planning this or that it had crossed his mind. His moods were always the same, and he didn’t seem to be depressed. There was nothing that would have clued me in to the fact that he was suicidal. Nothing. When things like this happen I think it’s natural to look back and try to figure out what we could have done, or if there were signs that we missed. It took me many years to accept the fact that there was nothing that I could have done.
When we talk about suicide awareness and prevention, I think the most important thing to keep in mind are the things that protect and prevent people from committing suicide in the first place. Steering clear of addiction and having strong social connectedness are two things off the top of my head that would make suicide a non issue in someones life. It would be a less likely possibility for them. As I write this, I realize how easy it is to list on paper the things that make people less suicidal, but in practice, in real life off of the internet, life is emotional, chaotic, messy, its not fair, it can be filled with unfortunate things, people who don’t listen, and more. Of course for all the messy and chaoticness there is joy, excitement, genuine happiness, peace and calm, there is some fairness, and luck exists. Good friends do too. What I am trying to say is that life is more emotional and complicated than we like to acknowledge for some people, and maybe the best solution to this isn’t intellectualizing and finding data points, but simply hugging people more and saying I love you and calling our friends, neighbors, loved ones.
Even writing that, it feels like its missing something, because preventing suicide isnt just about calling your friends and giving the hugs. Its complicated and the solution I think lies in social, cultural, economic and health related areas that a friend group and a few hugs do not always remedy. However a good hug, and having good people are a great start and this cannot be discounted as incredibly valuable in helping keep people stable.
So with suicide, I read that its important for people to have good problem solving skills, good coping skills, access to quality healthcare and social connectedness. There are so many nuances in relationships and sometimes we may not WANT to check on people for a variety of reasons. Or maybe we don’t feel it’s necessary because they have their life handled. The problem with suicide, and the problem when you cant see it coming, is partly due to the fact that some people loathe asking for help and would rather just suffer in silence. So when we don’t check on people and get up in their business, we are leaving them to be hyper independent and allow them to not show their vulnerability. This can kind of pave the way for suicide as a solution for people who do not have additional problem solving skills. I think having a pet would help too.
Some of the brightest people, fully capable of problem solving still resort to suicide simply because they will not ask for help. At what point do we just say that it’s okay to be nosey? I mean, it’s better to mind your own business, right? My personal take on this is it’s ok to be nosey if you know someone is struggling. And even if someone isn’t struggling, just check on your friends! There isn’t one single answer, I just know that when a loved one dies by suicide your entire opinion about the topic of suicide will change. And you look back and ask yourself what you could have done differently.
When looking at suicide rates among different financial demographics, there is a huge increase in suicide among people with problem debt, severe financial stress, job loss, and lack of health insurance. All these things contribute to suicide. Of course there are other factors as well. It is hard to ignore though how important social connectedness is in having a life you don’t want to lose. People can be great at solving problems and helping one another.
It seems that men are cultured to be stoic about their problems. By stoic I dont mean in the strict philosophical sense, more in the “dont acknowledge your own emotions” sense. Not just men, maybe Americans in general. So eventually the most stoic person will have some kind of breakdown or moment where they realize their emotional needs have been neglected for too long. How easy life would be if we could ignore our emotional needs.
This is my simplified explanation for why men have higher rates of suicide than women. A combination of cultural expectations and a stigma around showing vulnerabilities. It seems ridiculous just writing about it. If both men and women experience the same internal emotional realities yet are discouraged from communicating or expressing it, that seems like a problem.
But also, addressing the fact that many men do not speak up about their hardships is important. A man in his 30’s and 40’s should be able to access mental healthcare very easily. There is a stigma for men that exists in accessing mental health care but there is also a systemic problem in providing behavioral healthcare to everyone. Suicide as a whole is an issue worth addressing through accessible behavioral healthcare and it seems like a quiet, stigmatized thing that doesnt get publicity as often as it should. It is great that September is suicide awareness and prevention month, but I think this conversation is worth more than dedicating one month per year to it.
When I think about suicide prevention I also think about addiction to drugs and alcohol. Suicide and drug/alcohol addiction are like siblings. They both take time to manifest, and ultimately take your life. And when they do, people are left to look back with hindsight to determine what clues and things they had to tell them how bad things were.
What a difficult subject with so many paths to write about. One encouraging thing that I notice is that local governments are increasing public campaigns about suicide prevention and awareness. I was driving through a rural Washington town a couple months ago, and as I drove in to the town, I looked for a familiar business to the right. It was gone, the building was empty. In its place was a large billboard that said something about suicide prevention. I saw this and thought, this is sad that the business is gone, but I think that is progress if public signs about suicide prevention are going up. It may be progress for the wrong reasons, like suicide is happening more frequently and it is now being addressed publicly on billboards.
It seems that the same things that can help someone not feel suicidal can also prevent addiction from manifesting and taking someones life. So that would be access to healthcare, social connectedness, and access to opportunity as well as developing problem solving skills. Mental health and addiction, and preventing suicide are interconnected issues that deserve more than published data confirming these things as fact. We can have all the data in the world on things but if that data is not used to solve important problems for regular people, why collect data in the first place?
I could write alot more about suicide, but I’ll stop here. Its good to check on your friends!
In memory of my friend, J.L., 1981 – 2015
September is suicide prevention and awareness month. Suicide is a difficult topic that deserves some attention. Many of us have probably had friends die by suicide.. Or at least I have. It’s something that remains an issue but one that most of us aren’t comfortable discussing. My cleaning business should be light and fluffy, happy and unserious. I find that writing blog posts becomes incredibly boring, and a chore, when I am posting topics that lack substance. But then I wonder if it’s even appropriate for a blog post, to write about something like suicide. Appropriate or not, it is a human condition, the topic of death, suicide, grief and loss.
I want to share a story about a person who may not fit the standard clues of someone who is contemplating suicide.
I was dating a guy several years ago who committed suicide. We worked at the same place; I sold travel packages in a small office at the back of a retail store. He was the store manager. When we met, it wasn’t anything magical, we just got along, and he seemed like an even keeled guy.
A few months had passed, and we had become gym buddies. We would play racquetball at the gym, and sometimes we would go on walks. On one of our walks, he told me that his dad and his grandfather hadn’t lived long lives. I didn’t question that, I just listened. Then he confessed that he thought he wouldn’t live a long life, past 35. I thought to myself, ok, that’s kind of strange, But didn’t analyze it too much. We were in our early 30’s at the time.
We began dating after a few months. He invited me on an exciting trip to a resort in Las Vegas. We spent the week eating at fancy restaurants, attending live shows, and shopping. I had a great time, and so did he! I didn’t realize that this may have been planned on his part, as his last “hurrah”. About a week after we came back, he asked if I wanted to go work out at the gym. I was busy and I couldn’t.
I tried to reach him a few days later, but he didn’t answer my phone calls or text messages. I assumed he was upset with me, because he always answered my calls and texts. I figured I would give him some space. Within a few weeks of arriving back from our trip, he was found dead due to an apparent suicide. I wasn’t able to get information beyond that, as his family was understandably upset and needed some privacy.
When this happened I was completely shocked and taken by surprise. I had no idea that he was planning this or that it had crossed his mind. His moods were always the same, and he didn’t seem to be depressed. There was nothing that would have clued me in to the fact that he was suicidal. Nothing. When things like this happen I think it’s natural to look back and try to figure out what we could have done, or if there were signs that we missed. It took me many years to accept the fact that there was nothing that I could have done.
When we talk about suicide awareness and prevention, I think the most important thing to keep in mind are the things that protect and prevent people from committing suicide in the first place. Steering clear of addiction and having strong social connectedness are two things off the top of my head that would make suicide a non issue in someones life. It would be a less likely possibility for them. As I write this, I realize how easy it is to list on paper the things that make people less suicidal, but in practice, in real life off of the internet, life is emotional, chaotic, messy, its not fair, it can be filled with unfortunate things, people who don’t listen, and more. Of course for all the messy and chaoticness there is joy, excitement, genuine happiness, peace and calm, there is some fairness, and luck exists. Good friends do too. What I am trying to say is that life is more emotional and complicated than we like to acknowledge for some people, and maybe the best solution to this isn’t intellectualizing and finding data points, but simply hugging people more and saying I love you and calling our friends, neighbors, loved ones.
So with suicide, I read that its important for people to have good problem solving skills, good coping skills, access to quality healthcare and social connectedness. There are so many nuances in relationships and sometimes we may not WANT to check on people for a variety of reasons. Or maybe we don’t feel it’s necessary because they have their life handled. The problem with suicide, and the problem when you cant see it coming, is partly due to the fact that some people loathe asking for help and would rather just suffer in silence. So when we don’t check on people and get up in their business, we are leaving them to be hyper independent and allow them to not show their vulnerability. This can kind of pave the way for suicide as a solution for people who do not have additional problem solving skills. I think having a pet would help too.
Some of the brightest people, fully capable of problem solving still resort to suicide simply because they will not ask for help. At what point do we just say that it’s okay to be nosey? I mean, it’s better to mind your own business, right? My personal take on this is it’s ok to be nosey if you know someone is struggling. And even if someone isn’t struggling, just check on your friends! There isn’t one single answer, I just know that when a loved one dies by suicide your entire opinion about the topic of suicide will change. And you look back and ask yourself what you could have done differently.
When looking at suicide rates among different financial demographics, there is a huge increase in suicide among people with problem debt, severe financial stress, job loss, and lack of health insurance. All these things contribute to suicide. Of course there are other factors as well. It is hard to ignore though how important social connectedness is in having a life you don’t want to lose. People can be great at solving problems and helping one another.
It seems that men are cultured to be stoic about their problems. By stoic I dont mean in the strict philosophical sense, more in the “dont acknowledge your own emotions” sense. Not just men, maybe Americans in general. So eventually the most stoic person will have some kind of breakdown or moment where they realize their emotional needs have been neglected for too long. How easy life would be if we could ignore our emotional needs.
This is my simplified explanation for why men have higher rates of suicide than women. A combination of cultural expectations and a stigma around showing vulnerabilities. It seems ridiculous just writing about it. If both men and women experience the same internal emotional realities yet are discouraged from communicating or expressing it, that seems like a problem.
But also, addressing the fact that many men do not speak up about their hardships is important. A man in his 30’s and 40’s should be able to access mental healthcare very easily. There is a stigma for men that exists in accessing mental health care but there is also a systemic problem in providing behavioral healthcare to everyone. Suicide as a whole is an issue worth addressing through accessible behavioral healthcare and it seems like a quiet, stigmatized thing that doesnt get publicity as often as it should. It is great that September is suicide awareness and prevention month, but I think this conversation is worth more than dedicating one month per year to it.
When I think about suicide prevention I also think about addiction to drugs and alcohol. Suicide and drug/alcohol addiction are like siblings. They both take time to manifest, and ultimately take your life. And when they do, people are left to look back with hindsight to determine what clues and things they had to tell them how bad things were.
What a difficult subject with so many paths to write about. One encouraging thing that I notice is that local governments are increasing public campaigns about suicide prevention and awareness. I was driving through a rural Washington town a couple months ago, and as I drove in to the town, I looked for a familiar business to the right. It was gone, the building was empty. In its place was a large billboard that said something about suicide prevention. I saw this and thought, this is sad that the business is gone, but I think that is progress if public signs about suicide prevention are going up. It may be progress for the wrong reasons, like suicide is happening more frequently and it is now being addressed publicly on billboards.
It seems that the same things that can help someone not feel suicidal can also prevent addiction from manifesting and taking someones life. So that would be access to healthcare, social connectedness, and access to opportunity as well as developing problem solving skills. Mental health and addiction, and preventing suicide are interconnected issues that deserve more than published data confirming these things as fact. We can have all the data in the world on things but if that data is not used to solve important problems for regular people, why collect data in the first place?
I could write alot more about suicide, but I’ll stop here. Its good to check on your friends!
In memory of my friend, J.L., 1981 – 2015